If you thought the last post was motivating / inspiring / uplifting, then this one may just throw you for a loop.
All of the content before the worksheets in The Desire Map has proven to be very intriguing + thought-provoking, but these last 2 sections (pages 77 – 149) are where the shifts start to happen.
Do you have a healthy relationship with your goals?
Yes, it’s a genuine question. So ask yourself.
I can tell you right now that up until about a year ago, I had a textbook definition unhealthy relationship with my goals. For me, when I had a goal (which Danielle says is, “something you want in a certain way by a certain time” [page 82]), I went after it with full force until I got it – or I crashed + burned, didn’t get it, + beat myself up for it.
Has it changed? Yes and no. I do still have goals + I’m still disappointed when I don’t reach the desired outcome I was working for, but I’m slowly learning to accept + trust that if it didn’t happen, then something even better or more worthwhile will happen.
Yes, that’s a big thing to trust … which is why I said I’m still working on it 😉
Something about the concept of goals feels pushy.
This is what I want.
This is how I’m going to get it.
And everyone else is going to help make it happen for me.
Presently, I don’t have fixed goals. Rather, I have things that I’d really love to have happen. I have desires. And I have intentions to fulfill those desires. But I’ve almost fully retired from chasing things … What guides my ship is a singular, foundational intention: making stuff that feels good to make … If I lose hold of the meaningfulness, then it all becomes a lackluster grind. [page 83]
That has ah-ha moment written all over it!
If you’re goals + desires don’t make you feel good, then why are they your goals + desires?
I can’t tell you how many times in my life I’ve done something or worked for something that I thought I was “supposed” to, I thought I “should” do.
No one likes to be “should” on, but we do it to ourselves all the time!
I want to have my own business, but I’m not 100% sure what that looks like yet. I’ve always been the solo type, so it would be a small business, but I’m not against bringing on 1-3 people as needed. I’ll always hire out for things that I know others can do better (like Amanda Genther, who designed my logo).
Also, it will be location independent – no physical location, but I am open to working with local people + businesses.
I’m also still open to being someone else’s employee because there are so many fantastic people who are already doing amazing things + I know I have the kick-ass skills to help them do what they do even better.
The more honest I got with myself about what I was longing for, the less necessary goals seemed. So I don’t have hard goals anymore – at least not the kind you can quantify. I do however have all-consuming desires and intentions that drive me daily – all of which are aligned with my core desired feelings. [page 89]
Maybe goal-setting really works for you.
Maybe having it all down on paper, planned down to the last detail, + firm deadlines in place works for you.
I’ve tried it, and for a short time, I feel super-motivated … but not long after, I feel trapped, choked, forced into a plan with no wiggle room.
Can’t you strive for a general outcome + enjoy the twists + turns along the way?
Can’t you plan for one thing, end up with something else, + still be damn happy?
Don’t blind yourself to change when it feels like it needs to happen.
If your original plan needs to be adjusted, then adjust. If you don’t, you’ll feel trapped, bitter (been there, done that!).
Vision, mission, wishes, aims, objections, aspirations, intentions, goals. Choose a term that has a gravitational pull for you without weighing you down. Part of a healthy relationship to material attainment and external pursuits is the language that you give it … Measure whatever you want, with whatever you want to call it, however you want to measure it. Just be in right relationship with getting what you want. And by right relationship, I mean a relationship that feels really good to be in most of the time. [page 90]
Like I said, this section of the book is overflowing with mega truths!
Here are some Danielle Laporte-approved things you need to know about getting what you want:
- Don’t criticize what you want [page 95]. It’s what you want, so go for it. That’s it. End of story.
- Know the cost of having it all [page 96]. Sacrifices will need to be made, but if you’re in that “right relationship”, they will seem like necessary + acceptable adjustments to keep your Core Desired Feelings (CDF) alive daily.
- Make way for your art [page 98]. Tough choices will need to be made. Make them. Be strong. Keeping following your CDF.
- Admit to your limitations … then rise above (some of) your limitations [page 99]. You only have so much time, money, physical space, emotional tolerance. Honor your limits, then challenge them.
- Make changes without criticizing your past [page 104]. See your past with respect (it got you to where you are now), then leave it there.
- Run toward pleasure (not away from pain) [page 108]. Focus on the rewards. Focus on your intention. Focus on your CDF. The things that don’t mean shit: what other people think of you, want from you, or what they can give you. Toss all of that right out.
6 steps that can change everything.
Know where you want to go, what you want to do, but maintain a sense of “relaxed determination, fierce but flexible” [page 117] as you move forward. Do your best. Keep kicking ass. But be incredibly kind to yourself if things take a different turn. Feel your CDF + relax your expectations.
Now … we come to the mountain in your way …
We all have. We all hate it. We’re all dumbfounded by it.
Danielle provides a fantastic scientific explanation as to why resistance exists in the brain – you’ll have to go to page 123 to read about it for yourself.
The key takeaway is that change takes time – because of our noticeable habits + our brain chemistry.
Resistance means that change is happening. So acknowledge the resistance, then step right over it (you made a mountain out of an ant hill).
The cosmos doesn’t measure sweat and hours for reward. The cosmos deals in the currency of emotion. When we feel good, goodness flows. That means, if kicking back a bit (or a lot) helps you feel happier and more fulfilled, the universe will help you pull it off.
Work simpler and get better results.
Bitch less and things sort themselves out.
Think less and be more creative.
Put in fewer hours and get a greater return.
Hustle less and sell more.
Push less and get further. [page 128]
Yes, yes, 1000 times yes.
This is how I’ve seen things for so long, but always taught the opposite by others.
You can be efficient, productive, + not work 40-60 hours a week.
You can create amazing things without attaching yourself to your desk.
There’s a time to hustle + a time to reap the rewards.
Often, they are one in the same. Constantly flipping back + forth, rocking to + fro.
It’s all about the message you’re selling to yourself.
We have anywhere from 60,000 to 90,000 thoughts in a day.
Yes, one day.
And at least half of those thoughts are the sames ones you had yesterday.
There’s a repeat loop in your brain.
And if you’re like most of us (guilty!), that feedback loop is a negative one.
Self-deception creates a cognitive dissonance so that, despite the positive-sounding phrase, you’re creating inner tension and conflict. Contrived affirmations take you out of the present. Rather than facing what’s real, we try to plaster over the difficult truths with happy thoughts … Spiritual maturity includes the capacity to acknowledge our fears while maintaining our confidence and faith. [page 137]
I’m a dork for affirmations. Maybe you are too.
Some days, they make you feel motivated + inspired to keep doing good things.
Other days, you feel guilty, disappointed, + frustrated with yourself for being incapable of living how the affirmation is expressed.
Fear is natural.
Desires are inherently good.
YOU are inherently good.
You deserve what you desire.
Allow the fear to ride along for the ride, but don’t let it stop you.
The fear will never end, but it can be the fuel for you to rocket forward.
Focus on creating your core desires feelings, and as you begin to generate better feelings and experiences, you will feel increasingly worthy of the richness of life. When you believe in your birthright to fulfillment, you take the desperation factor our of chasing your dreams. This quells greed – and puts a stop to the winner-loser mentality. And there’s a beautiful twist that happens when you assume your worth: you value other people more. [page 147].
Stabbed me right in the heart with that one.
As someone who lives with depression + anxiety, it all steps from a lack of self-confidence.
A lack of self-worth.
Acknowledge, accepting, + really believing that you are here + you matter + you deserve to follow your desires … that’s empowering + f*cking life-altering.
That’s an epic feedback loop right there!
I have to remind myself often of this … but less often than I used to.
Someday, I’ll finally believe it.
Until then, I keep practicing, keep striving, keep seeking to help others in the best way that I can (+ hopefully in a way that I can finally get out of debt … that would be a nice bonus).
Of the 6 things “you need to know about getting what you want”, which 1 do you find the most difficult for you + why?
COMMENT below, share your thoughts, + join the conversation!
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